“It has always been my dream to get married…” said Diego Carachure with a faraway smile the week before his wedding. You might think these were the words of a starry-eyed twentysomething, rather than those of a 69-year-old grandfather.

Having been diagnosed with terminal cancer, it was during a hospital stay that Diego met Mario Cepeda, a spiritual counselor in the Hospice program of Visiting Nurse & Hospice Care. Hospice is a special way of caring for someone who is in the last phase of life. “In Hospice we not only help people prepare for the last phase, we also help them celebrate life,” said Cepeda.

As part of the Hospice program a nurse, a social worker and a spiritual counselor each visit the patient at different times to offer support. “If possible, I help the patient to reflect on his or her life. As part of this process, something important may surface that the patient has always wanted to do, but has not been able to do,” Cepeda explained.

For Diego, it was his dream of marrying Anita, his wife of 47 years, in the Catholic Church. But to reach that happy moment Diego had to face a labyrinth of obstacles.

Diego’s story

As a young man Diego was engaged to be married to a woman from his village, Acuchitlán, in the state of Guerrero, Mexico. To save money for married life Diego enrolled in a work program to harvest crops in the United States. First he went to the lettuce harvest in Camp Verde, Arizona, then to the lemon groves of Santa Paula, and so on, leaving and coming back to his village several times over a period of four years. But when he returned from his last trip he was crushed to learn that his fiancée had been seeing another man, and the wedding was cancelled.

Not long afterwards, Diego met Anita Figueroa, whom he had been acquainted with when she was a young girl. He noticed that Anita had grown to become a kind and beautiful woman, and he fell in love with her. He began to court her and she accepted his proposal of marriage.

It was the custom to be married first by the State and then by the church, and that is what Diego and Anita planned to do. They had their civil ceremony, and their church wedding was to take place a week later. “Everything at home was ready for the reception. All the guests were in the church,” Diego explained. “But when we got up to the altar the priest refused to marry us. We begged him. We had already paid him, and we offered to pay him even more money, but he wouldn’t do it.”

Later Diego realized that the priest’s refusal was related to the fact that he was the uncle of Diego’s first fiancée. Diego’s faith was profoundly shaken. “We were so ashamed. I felt so let down that I stopped believing in priests,” Diego recalled.

After the frustration of the wedding, Diego went back to work. Soon a son was added to the family, and another. With the arrival of their third son, Diego was obliged to find work outside the village to support his family. He worked for years in Acapulco, then Mexico City. After many years he returned to the United States to work. “I dedicated myself to providing for my children,” said Diego. “For many years all my resources went towards that.”

In 1982 Diego filled out the paperwork to bring Anita and their family – which by now included 6 sons — to join him in the United States. In 1986 the family was reunited in California.

Of his spiritual life, Diego related: “When we went to mass everyone would get up to take communion, but not us – we felt that we couldn’t [because of not being married in the church.] … But I always thought, ‘Some day I’m going to get married.’”

In Santa Barbara Diego once again sought to be married in the Catholic Church. “We went a few times to see the priest at Our Lady of Guadalupe. He said that we could get married, but we needed something. Maybe it was a paper… I don’t remember what it was. But we didn’t have it and we stopped pushing to make the wedding happen.”

While in the hospital Diego met Father Ludo DeClerq of Holy Cross Church. “I was very sick when Father Ludo came to visit me. I told him that I wanted to be married in the Church, and he said that, yes, we could make that happen. But between managing my symptoms and the chemotherapy we lost track of him.”

When Diego was admitted into the VNHC Hospice program, Mario Cepeda went to visit him. “Diego and Anita told me they had met Father Ludo, but had lost touch with him. I immediately realized that the wedding was something very significant for them, and that they didn’t have much time. So I did everything I could to make the wedding happen as soon as possible,” said Cepeda.

Cepeda called Father Ludo to arrange the details of the wedding and he also let the nurses at VNHC know about the couple’s needs. One of the nurses provided a suit for Diego, others donated money, and the VNHC Loan Closet provided a cane. The VNHC Foundation provided funding for catering for the reception. The Carachure family and their friends made the other wedding preparations, such as getting the wedding dress, preparing their front yard for the reception, and arranging for a musical group.

The week before the wedding, Diego said, “I feel good. Like something beautiful is going to happen in my life – even if it’s the last day that I’ll be able to really enjoy that happiness – because at last my dream that I have always wished for will become a reality. I want to be able to belong to my God body and soul.”

To Cepeda, Diego said, “God will pay you back for everything you’re doing for me, because I could never truly repay you.”

Diego’s dream finally became reality when he and Anita presented themselves at the altar of Holy Cross Church, in a ceremony presided over by Father Ludo. Most of their children and grandchildren were in attendance, as well as other family members and friends and VNHC staff. During the wedding, due to Diego’s weakened state, he and Anita were seated in chairs.

After the ceremony, as Father Ludo presented them to the congregation as man and wife, Anita was resplendent, her eyes full of emotion. Diego leaned on his cane and wore a solemn expression. Then Diego and Anita kissed and tenderly embraced, surrounded by their grandchildren, who were like beautiful spring flowers.

At the reception, Diego continued to lean on his cane, but then he left it behind to be supported and embraced by his beautiful bride as they danced. Then the couple danced with their guests. In exchange for a dance, guests pinned bills to Diego’s suit and Anita’s shawl – singles, fives, tens, twenties, even a hundred dollar bill.

Later that evening Diego and Anita both took a moment to express their heartfelt gratitude to everyone in attendance, as well as all those who had helped make the wedding happen. They specially thanked Visiting Nurse & Hospice Care for their attentive and caring support. As the sun set, Diego and Anita sat peacefully side by side, watching their guests dance and enjoy themselves. The long awaited blessing of their union had come at last.

A Family Reunited.

Luis Mendoza didn’t get to know his mother until two weeks before she died. Sitting in the garden outside Serenity House on a bright spring morning, 16-year-old Luis confided, “I feel sad about meeting her when things are like this, but at the same time I feel happy, because I didn’t know her before.”

Luis was just six months old the last time his mother, Isabel Mendoza, had held him. Isabel, estranged from her husband, Luis’s father, had not seen Luis or his two brothers for over 15 years. He had no memory of her. That changed in April during Isabel’s final illness, when Luis met his mother again at Serenity House.

A petite brunette who didn’t show her emotions easily, at 45 Isabel was one of the youngest patients the Serenity House team has cared for. She had been diagnosed with cervical cancer, and two years later, after a two-month stay at Cottage Hospital, her prognosis worsened: Isabel’s doctors had exhausted all treatment options. Realizing that Isabel’s sister, Ana, would not be able to give her the specialized care she needed, hospital staff referred Isabel to Serenity House.

Serenity House nurse Jannele Gonzales recalled that Isabel’s younger children, Margarita, Rosa and Tomás, 14, 11 and 9, “would come here every evening to keep the family feeling. They would sit in her room with her and talk to her.” While she was at Serenity House Isabel told the spiritual counselor on her hospice team, Mario Cepeda, that she also had three older sons living in another state.

“It was a surprise to learn about the other children,” he said. “I asked Isabel for permission to let them know that she was dying. When I talked with them on the phone I realized how much pain they felt about not knowing their mother.” Over the course of a week Cepeda and Isabel talked about her estranged family. Eventually she gave him permission to invite them to come to Santa Barbara to see her.

But the family did not have the funds to make the trip from Arkansas. A volunteer at Serenity House with contacts at the Dream Foundation was able to bring in financial help from that organization.

The family was reunited at Isabel’s bedside, surrounded by her beloved images of the Virgin of Guadalupe and the Sacred Heart. Her children saw a mother who, despite her illness, had delicate hands and the complexion of a 20-year-old.

Serenity House staff were touched by the interaction between Isabel and her children.

“The sons were so respectful to her. They were able to come in here and give her the love she was looking for from her children, which was really beautiful. They had the maturity to give her what she needed without holding any grudges,” Gonzales said.

The siblings, who had never met, were keen to get to know one another. “The children clicked from the beginning, as if they’d known each other for a long time. You could tell by the way they were talking to each other,” said José Velazquez, a licensed vocational nurse at Serenity House.

During the ten-day visit the Serenity House team guided the family through a forgiveness process, helping them to talk about “things from the past that have separated them,” Cepeda explained.

Luis and his siblings accompanied their mother for hours on end, occasionally taking breaks on the patio outside her room.

Serenity House nurses and physicians provided the 24-hour medical care Isabel needed.

The older children did not want to go back to Arkansas while their mother was still alive, but she firmly told them that they must. Middle son Adrián, 21, had already given up his job when he was denied time off to come visit his mother.

Once the grown children had returned to Arkansas for work, Babetta Daddino, VNHC’s Hospice Director, suggested that the family stay in contact with the help of a visual computer connection. John Dougherty, VNHC’s Director of Information Technology, installed a laptop and camera in Isabel’s room, and the Arkansas siblings set up a system with the help of neighbors back home.

Through the computer they were able to visit with their mom on her last day.

Four days after her sons had gone home, Isabel slipped into a coma. The next day the two sets of siblings were talking together all afternoon and keeping watch on their mother, the older ones through the computer camera. That evening, against great odds, Isabel passed away surrounded by her family. She had been at Serenity House 31 days.

“I have no words to describe the way my mother has been cared for in this clinic,” said Isabel’s oldest son, Miguel, 26. “It is wonderful that you have something like this. At home we don’t have the medicine or the equipment you need to take care of someone in this situation.”

On the day he was leaving for Arkansas, Adrián said, “Even with things being the way they are, I am grateful that I got to see her. It’s better than never seeing her again. Thank you for helping us fulfill our dream of seeing our mother again.”

PEACE “The gift of Serenity House is peace of mind…”

Hi. We’re Ken and Sheila Gregory, Karen’s parents.

“Our daughter, Karen Gregory, was the center of our privileged experience at Serenity House.

Ditte comforts Karen

Following an automobile accident several years ago, Karen had a grand mal seizure and a brain tumor was discovered. After an initial surgery, she was nearly back to normal.

She had a couple great quality years. We took trips to Hawaii, England, and in our mobile home to Oregon to see a few of her friends. Then she had another major seizure.

We went to live with her in Los Angeles for a short while but brought her home with us so we could care for her more easily, as Karen required 24-hour a day care.

She was active with the brain tumor group at the Cancer Center at Cottage Hospital and became very close to them. They were a real source of hope and enjoyment for her.

Lush and colorful surroundings

When it looked like we were going to need hospice, we asked all around at Cottage Hospital and at the Cancer Center. Everyone said the exact same
thing – Serenity House. At the time we needed to decide, the consensus seemed clear that Serenity House was the very best answer for all of us. And it was just that.

First and foremost, Karen was SO well cared for by Ditte and all the staff. She was not just “taken care of,” she was genuinely cared for, which made such a difference to all of us in Karen’s family.

Family reminders

The surroundings and atmosphere at Serenity House are just like the name implies. There’s a water fountain at the entrance, and it’s quiet and green and peaceful. There’s a kitchen and a dining area for everyone to gather, just like home.

We were there with Karen every day and it was such quality time. Once the burden of caring for her constantly was lifted we could just talk, play games and spend some VERY special moments with Karen and the rest of the family.

Family is always welcome at Serenity House. The staff know the healing and comforting value of family, and visits are always encouraged.

Remembrances left by the fountain

There was always hot coffee in the kitchen and warm smiles when we needed them which we welcomed every day.

There are painted rocks out by the fountain. Some remember loved ones and some remember special staff. One of them says: ‘Hospice workers are not hired — they’re called.’ We know that’s true from our own personal experience. The staff and volunteers are here just as much for the families as they are for the patients.

It was a tough decision to move Karen to Serenity House. We wanted to continue to care for her at home but we just couldn’t do it. We found peace of mind at Serenity House, and we have it still.

COMPASSION “It’s what they bring to my life”

This is me

Hi. My name is Kevin.

I’ve been in Santa Barbara for more than thirty years and have been a finish carpenter for all that time, building things that enhance people’s lives. Now my own is threatened by Lou Gehrig’s Disease.

Thanks to my wife, Clarisse, who never stops, and to Visiting Nurse and Hospice Care, there’s hope. I’ve learned so much from all of them, which is why I want to tell my story.

A friend suggested Visiting Nurse and Hospice Care. When we contacted them, help just started coming, and within days, we had a whole team of caring and compassionate people who fill my life with support, humor and dignity and who help us both cope with a difficult situation.

Sam is the nurse, and she’s become a very special person to me. She deals with my life-threatening illness in a frank and candid way. Sam and I talked at length, and she analyzed what my situation was — how my life could be better and more comfortable — and determined what kind of help I would need.

Lucia works with Kevin almost every day

Then as I mentioned, it just started happening. Lucia, a home health aide is here in the mornings to bathe me. It sounds so simple, but she provides me with the dignity and comfort of being clean throughout the day. Her cheerful disposition and positive attitude give me encouragement to deal with this serious disease.

Better yet, her help allows Clarisse to take a much-needed break from the demanding job of being my constant caregiver. We both appreciate her compassion and her friendship.

They set me up with a physical therapy assistant named Dan — who’s very professional. He works with my arms and legs to get me moving and into the standing frame, which does me a world of good. The standing frame gets the weight off my bottom and makes my back feel good. It’s great for the circulation, for breathing, and digestion. So I’ll go and stand awhile, which is a big event for me after Ive been sitting in a wheelchair for twelve or thirteen hours! It gives me a boost psychologically, too, because it not only allows me to stand and exercise my body in a different way, but it gives me the ability to look people in the eyes from a standing position instead of from a sitting position.

Clarisse is never far away

Jan, the social worker is often here to give me emotional support and Mark, the Chaplain comes to give me spiritual guidance, as we talk religion and philosophy. They’re all a team. What’s great is that they all have their own lives, too, which we talk about. The thrill is being able to give something back so they provide an outlet of involvement that’s not always centered on ME!

They work as a team to make sure my wife is supported in caring for me and my life is going as well as possible. If you remove a part of the team, it just doesn’t work as well.

Clarisse is amazing. But she works way too hard to do all that she does for me. So when the team steps in, it’s a great satisfaction to me to see her able to step back a bit, even temporarily. She can just get out and enjoy herself and maybe do a little shopping every now and then. It’s a great source of peace of mind for me, for her to be able to do that.

Calling hospice earlier rather than later is key. We really need to lose the stigma of hospice meaning giving up — and instead use it for what it is. Before they became involved, I don’t think I had a very good idea about what they really do. They’re not only a support base, but a new circle of friends and a GREAT source of information.

Here’s what you need to know about hospice. It’s not about giving up. It’s about quality of life and gaining comfort and peace of mind — for everyone involved. They’re a support base that simply never gives up.

My window on the world

I don’t think of myself as someone who is giving up. Nobody’s giving up. In fact, with hospice here, it’s just the opposite. With so many caring people around — I mean genuinely caring — sometimes even needing ME — I have an obligation to stick around for awhile.

Everybody brings something to my life. Absolutely everyone from VNHC is genuinely concerned and caring and that’s very important to me because if they treat it like a “job,” I’d know and my spirits would reflect that. Instead, we really talk about things. I get ideas from them, they get ideas from me. We figure things out to make all our lives a little easier . . . a little better.

So people should know about hospice and not hesitate to contact them, especially when a serious illness is involved. They can make an enormous difference in your life. They’re so skilled and compassionate and encouraging. And when your family is relieved of so many of the little burdens, it can make your life so much more enjoyable.

I just couldn’t do this alone. So as long as I can still speak, I’ll speak of hospice with love.